Remembering 9/11 in Washington, D.C. - The Quality of our Relationships Impacts Our Capacity to Heal

Visit 911day.org to pledge
your good deed.

Where were you when you learned about the attack on the World Trade Centers and who did you call first?

I imagine most of us, regardless of how far we were from New York City or Washington, D.C. on September 11, 2001, remember exactly who we called first.  We most likely talked soon with those who were near and dear to us.  I remember feeling so vulnerable that day.  I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah and the first person I remember talking to was my new found love of my life who was living 30 miles away in Provo.  When crisis hits our instinct is to reach out to our attachment figures.  We seek connection.  We seek comfort and safety...which is what a secure attachment figure provides.

Now here I am in living in Washington, D.C.  I've heard friends recount their experience that day.  They walked home from work no matter how many miles.  It must have been an intense experience to be walking down I-395 with thousands of other people.

EFT Trainer, George Faller, LMFT is a recently retired lieutenant of the FDNY.  Having begun his education to become a therapist in 1995, George brought EFT to the emergency responders and his firefighter colleagues after 9/11.  He shares his experience on NBC here: Changed by 9/11, firefighter counsels peers.  Likewise, the EFT community in Colorado has extended support to Denver Police Officers and their partners.  As you can imagine, the article says, "many people in the department (and in the world)..."are suspicious of and tend to avoid situations that employ words such as 'emotion, therapy, love, attachment and bonding.'"  But EFT has been tried and tested and has proved to be the answer to a healthy love relationship, a central component to healing from traumatic life experiences.  

Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love contains a chapter about the power of love to heal traumatic wounds.  Her research has She explains how "the quality of our central relationships affects how we face and heal from trauma, and as everything moves in a circle, trauma has an impact on our relationships with the people we love."

As we learn about negative patterns in our relationships it is important that we understand how traumatic or stressful life circumstances affect our interactions.  If you've experienced traumatic circumstances it is worth learning how your partner can strengthen you and help you to overcome the way it grips you.

If you or someone you love has been impacted I encourage you to seek support.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help.  That will only hold you back.  Find a good therapist.  If you are in a relationship I recommend attending a The Hold Me Tight Workshops (next one is October 18-19) to learn together.  If you are looking for a simple way to observe 9/11 you can simply make a pledge to do a good deed at 911day.org.

How has 9/11 impacted you?  What will you be doing today to remember 9/11?

Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

Click image for more details.

I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

Date Night - Friday, September 13

I'm really excited for our date night.  Here are some details in case you are wondering:

What's the plan?

7:00 - 8:00 p.m.        Relationship education and tools for connection

8:00 - 8:30 p.m.        Couples break for some guided application in a private setting

8:30 - 9:00 p.m.        Regroup for discussion

9:00 - 10:00 p.m.      A brief dance lesson and dancing

Who should come?

Anyone who wants to enhance their relationship and learn some ways to connect on a deeper level and add a little more spark and romance.

What can I expect to get out of this evening?

Couples who have not attended can expect to get an introduction to the book Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson and begin applying these tools to their relationship.  Couples may choose to continue the work by signing up for a full workshop ($50 discount for those who attend Date Night).

Couples who have previously attended a Hold Me Tight Workshop will meet separately.  This is a chance to reconnect with other couples, revisit and solidify the concepts, fine tune your understanding of the cycle, and explore your connection through dancing.  If you have specific questions to address please let us know beforehand.

What if we don't dance?

We have asked a couple who dance to come and provide a brief lesson.  I think they are going to add the perfect touch to this evening.  More details to come.  (By the way, I don't dance either, but I'm hoping my husband can come and we can learn together.  I'm a little nervous to be honest.)

Register here.

It's Not About the Nail

I love this!


It's Not About The Nail from Republic Content on Vimeo.

What is love, anyway?

The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago...to me the cold is just a testament to it's awesomeness..."the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis."  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather...it is and it does.")  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan's view about how "love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person."  She goes on, "Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away."

One commenter said, "you've never been in love."  I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love...otherwise he wouldn't feel the pain of the other receding.  It wouldn't matter and he wouldn't notice.

I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another.  Minus the narcissistic twist that's beautiful.  Regarding the cruelty part...the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into...so, so often.  See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder.  The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds.  However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed.  The initiation comes in a heightened form...sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate...the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all...and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship.  The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes.  And there you have the cycle of disconnection. 

Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.



Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.

My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love.  Take a look at your tendencies...is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick?  Ask your partner...if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve?  And always know, there is a way to make it happen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

Today's post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 

Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there's a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There's also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won't just turn to you and say "Sweet-heart, I'm so sorry, I'm just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?"

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: "What, we came to a barbeque place and you're ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together." Then going on further to say, "It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq." Another example might be, "Why didn't you call? It's like you don't think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it's a cue there's something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it's probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here's a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy..."

2. Let them know the impact it's having on you. For example, "I'm feeling anxious as you question me." or "the sharp tone hurts my feelings."

3. Remind them you're their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, "I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me."

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren't being attentive. For example, "I'm sorry, I know we're out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn't know til we got here I didn't feel like bbq."

All together it sounds something like this: "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy. I'm feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I'm sorry I didn't let you know I didn't feel like eating bbq - I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you."

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD

Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?

Attachment Styles

Image source.

I've been reading the book Becoming Attached - First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen.  I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:

• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.  I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.  {Secure.}
• I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them.  I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  {Avoidant.}
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.  {Ambivalent.}  

If you have something other than a secure attachment style there is hope.  You can learn to trust and be more at ease in relationships.  Start by reading this and other books about attachment.  And consider seeing a therapist who works from an attachment framework.  We all need secure relationships and forming them is a challenge for many.  

When looking for a therapist identify one with a solid attachment and experiential approach.  Here are some therapy models that can help us improve our capacity to love and attach.  See if you can find a therapist with training in one of the following:

• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) http://www.iceeft.com/
• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) http://www.aedpinstitute.org/

You could also look for a Hold Me Tight workshop in your area.  Ours is coming up September 6!

Do you sometimes feel this way?

Sharing our emotions can be like jumping out of an airplane.  It is risky.  The fear of exposing deep emotions...letting people know we are scared, ashamed, afraid of rejection, feeling like a failure, hurting...can be overwhelming.  We don't always know how others will react.  Will they think less of us?  Will they listen?  Will they reassure?  What if they don't?

Just as we can learn how to safely jump out of an airplane, couples, families, and individuals can learn how to safely share emotions.  With practice we can do it with grace.  With experience we gain confidence that the risk is worth the reward.

This video is of Dale Stuart, who is now an EFT therapist.

Pretty amazing!

Book Review: Hold Me Tight

Someone asked me the other day what I do when a couple comes to see me. I told her that with couples I use a research based method of practice called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT has published the book Hold Me Tight, which offers readers a refreshing new way of looking at their love relationships.

I would not recommend that distressed couples rely solely on this book, but it is a great resource to improve any marriage. The following is an excerpt from the description on the inside cover of her book:

"The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection."

The book takes couples through seven conversations to help them become more attuned to their emotional connection with each other. These conversations will help couples to create a secure bond that will continue to grow over time.

Research proves EFT to be significantly more effective than other forms of couple therapy. I love how this book challenges the current culture of extreme individuality and personal independence. I think it takes more strength to rely on someone and to be relied on in return than it does to be independent. And the benefits are far greater! You can read more about EFT here.

Emotion - "to move"

Emotions are experienced on two levels. In the mental health world we call them primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones deep inside...the initial response to a situation. They include joy, peace, fear, shame, sadness, hurt, guilt, and disappointment among others. Secondary emotions are those that surface as a response to primary emotions. They are the emotions that others see. Those that make us uncomfortable such as hostility, disapproval, paranoia, distrust, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, self-hatred, and depression.

When we only show others (or ourselves) our secondary emotions they can feel threatened, overwhelmed and confused. This makes it difficult for them to connect with us. We are better able to connect with others when we can recognize and express our primary emotions. By doing so we become closer to one another. Sue Johnson explains in Hold Me Tight* what she learned from couples that led her to develop the EFT model:

"Emotion comes form a Latin word emovere, to move. We talk of being 'moved' by our emotions, and we are 'moved' when those we love show their deeper feelings to us. If partners were to reconnect, they indeed had to let their emotions move them into new ways of responding to each other. My clients had to learn to take risks, to show the softer sides of themselves, the sides they learned to hide..."

Our relationships will improve as we are more able to identify and express our primary emotions. We can do this by slowing down when we express secondary emotions. Take time to be in the moment. Think about the events leading up to the emotions. What were your thoughts? What did your thoughts lead you to believe about the situation? As we become more aware of our primary emotions we can learn to respond to them differently and decrease the occurrence of secondary emotions. Give it a try!

Have a LOVEly weekend!

*Book review to come: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson, Developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy