Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

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I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

What is love, anyway?

The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago...to me the cold is just a testament to it's awesomeness..."the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis."  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather...it is and it does.")  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan's view about how "love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person."  She goes on, "Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away."

One commenter said, "you've never been in love."  I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love...otherwise he wouldn't feel the pain of the other receding.  It wouldn't matter and he wouldn't notice.

I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another.  Minus the narcissistic twist that's beautiful.  Regarding the cruelty part...the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into...so, so often.  See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder.  The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds.  However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed.  The initiation comes in a heightened form...sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate...the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all...and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship.  The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes.  And there you have the cycle of disconnection. 

Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.



Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.

My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love.  Take a look at your tendencies...is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick?  Ask your partner...if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve?  And always know, there is a way to make it happen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

Today's post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 

Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there's a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There's also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won't just turn to you and say "Sweet-heart, I'm so sorry, I'm just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?"

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: "What, we came to a barbeque place and you're ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together." Then going on further to say, "It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq." Another example might be, "Why didn't you call? It's like you don't think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it's a cue there's something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it's probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here's a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy..."

2. Let them know the impact it's having on you. For example, "I'm feeling anxious as you question me." or "the sharp tone hurts my feelings."

3. Remind them you're their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, "I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me."

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren't being attentive. For example, "I'm sorry, I know we're out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn't know til we got here I didn't feel like bbq."

All together it sounds something like this: "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy. I'm feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I'm sorry I didn't let you know I didn't feel like eating bbq - I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you."

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD

Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?