Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

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Gratitude: An antidote for Shame

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Considering it is the season of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss gratitude...particularly how gratitude can help us to embrace vulnerability and overcome shame.  If you aren't yet familiar with Brene Brown and her work on using the power of vulnerability you can learn more here and here.

"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection -- to be the person whom we long to be -- we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."  (All quotes in this post are from Daring Greatly.)

Through her research, Brene identified foreboding joy as one of the ways we shield ourselves from vulnerability.  Foreboding joy is when we are in the midst of a joyful situation and our mind goes directly to a worst case scenario.  For example, sometimes when I am on an outing with my husband and children my mind goes to an image of my son getting hit by a car or something equally terrible.  Unconsciously, I may get tense, my anxiety goes up, and I might get short tempered.  Rather than experiencing the joy of the moment, I am suddenly unpleasant to be around.

Brene says, "scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy.  We're afraid that the feeling of joy won't last, that there won't be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.  We've learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster.  And we struggle with the worthiness issue.  Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections?  What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world?  Who are we to be joyful?"

Gratitude is the antidote for foreboding joy.  She goes on, "if the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."  And that we indeed deserve the joy we are experiencing.

Brene learned from talking with people who have been through profound loss or trauma. She shares three lessons.  1.  Joy comes to us in moments--ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.  2. Be grateful for what you have.  Don't shrink away from it because someone else doesn't have it.  Don't apologize for it.  Celebrate it.  Let those around you know how much they mean to you.  3. Don't squander joy.  Yes it may be, at times, scary and uncomfortable, but leaning into joy is how we build resilience and hope.  The joy becomes a part of us - and when bad things (inevitably) happen, we are strengthened.

She clarifies that practicing gratitude is more than just an attitude of gratitude...it is more deliberate, something we do.  Below are some ideas for practicing gratitude this week:

1. Create a gratitude tree.  Draw a large tree on a piece of paper and cut out a bunch of small leaves.  Have your children share things they are grateful for and write it on a leaf.  See if you can fill the tree with leaves.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.  Write down 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.
3. When you feel joy (and vulnerability)...tell whoever you are with about it.
4. Take pictures of things you are grateful for and share it with friends and family.
5. Create a gratitude poster.
6. Create a joy journal with this free printable.  Source.
7. Call someone you are grateful for and tell them.
8. Write a letter to someone who helped you in your youth, whether a parent, teacher, or friend.
9. Find the beauty in this very moment.
10. Thank yourself for being you.

How have you practiced gratitude and how has it impacted your life?

Definition of Love, Connection and Belonging

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I'll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

  love, connection and belonging

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.


How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?