Book Review: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman

I recently re-read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD. Gottman is famous among health professionals for reasearch based on his "love labs." He created a home-style setting in which he could observe couples interacting. He followed these couples for years to learn the characteristics of marriages that last. He claims to be able to predict with 91% accuracy whether couples will be married in 4-6 years. Gottman identified 7 principles common among couples who stay married.

The principles are as follows:
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems (preceded by a segment on 'solvable' vs. 'perpetual' problems)
6. Overcome Gridlock
7. Create Shared Meaning

The book is filled with questionnaires to help readers understand and assess their standing on the principles. The book also includes exercises.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is in the first chapter where Gottman identifies myths about marriage. One common myth is that "avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage." Gottman explains: "Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to 'talk out' their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is necessarily better than the other as long as the style works for both people. Couples can run into trouble if one partner always wants to talk out the conflict while the other just want to watch the playoffs."

I find it helpful to know that finding a mutually agreeable way to handle conflict is what will hold your marriage together...not necessarily having a conflict-free relationship.

Perhaps I'll post a questionnaire and exercise in the coming weeks.