Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I'm going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view. How did you appraise the meaning of the experience differently? How do you think that your child would react if you offered her a view into how you have made sense of the experience through her eyes? p. 72
3. Reflect on times when you have entered low-road states with your children. How have you acted at such times? How have your children responded to you when you were on the low road? Can you recognize the sensation when you are leaving the high road? Knowing your triggers and being able to recognize when you are entering the low road are the fist steps toward changing the way they may be influencing your life and your ways of relating to your children. p. 170

Happy reading and happy parenting!

View all my reviews

Toy Room List

A friend asked me for gift ideas for her 2 year-old boy and I told her cars and trucks...and that I also have a good list of toys that every child should have. I used to do play therapy.  I would bring children into a play room and play and talk in certain way to develop a special kind of relationship. A child's vocabulary is limited so they use objects to express themselves.  If children have these toys at home it can help to increase their emotional intelligence*.  Here is a modified list for the home (modified from Play Therapy-The Art of the Relationship by Garry L. Landreth, a book for play therapists, not parents). They fall under 3 categories 1) real-life toys, 2) acting-out aggressive-release toys and 3) toys for creative expression and emotional release. You may already have a well-equipped play room.  You don't need all the toys on this list, but you should have toys from each category. These are non-gender specific so if you have boys don't be afraid to get them toys that are stereotypically for girls. Some are household items...which we all know often become the favorite toys...these don't all have to be right in the play room...after all the whole house is basically a play room for us. Art supplies are also included. (Small font is my comments.)

doll furniture (I really want a wood doll house even though I have 2 boys...Simon often plays with these when they are in other toy rooms)
bendable doll family (bendable is best...even if they can just bend at the waist, but non-bendable is better than nothing)
dolls
doll bed, clothes, etc.
pacifier
plastic baby bottle
purse and jewelry
chalkboard, chalk, eraser
refrigerator
stove
dishes
pans, silverware
pitcher
dishpan
play food (I recommend Melissa & Doug because they allow them to really create a dish)
fruit and vegetable cans
egg cartons
sponge towel
broom, dust pan
soap, brush, comb
crayons, pencils, paper
transparent tape, paste
toy watch
building blocks (different shapes and sizes)
paints, easel, newsprint, brushes
playdough or clay
Lone Ranger-type mask (I am hoping to make 2 of these for Christmas out of felt)
pipe cleaners
tongue depressors, popsicle sticks
riding toy
truck, car, airplane, tractor, boat
school bus
pounding bench and hammer
xylophone
cymbals
drum (we have this one and it has a great sound)
toy soldiers and army equipment
firefighter's hat, other hats
sandbox, large spoon, funnel, sieve, pail
zoo animals, farm animals (realistic looking ones...these were Simon's obsession until Buzz Lightyear joined our family)
rubber snake, alligator
Bobo (bop bag)
rubber knife
hand cuffs
dart gun
toy noise-making gun (I still have a hard time having toy guns...I don't have any but I'm not opposed to them)
balls (large and small)
telephone (two...old cell phones would be great for this generation)
blunt scissors
construction paper
medical kit
bandaids
play money and cash register
rags or old towels
hand puppets (doctor, nurse, police officer, mother, father, sister, brother, baby, alligator, wolf...that is their specific list, but any puppets provide a great way for children to express things they are afraid to say directly)
Tinker toys
rope
tissues (on the list, but I can't figure out how they would stay in the box in a play room for more than 10 minutes)

A few things I would add:
occupational dress up clothes (fireman, police officer, chef, construction worker...I love the Melissa & Doug ones
occupational people figures (I have this set of occupational people and a set of people with disabilities and I got these out of storage and the boys play with them all the time...Simon's favorite is the fireman and Jack's is the "baker man.")
child's aprons (so they can help in the kitchen...of course, if you have a chef outfit this can be used)


*Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman is a must read for every parent. Gottman also well known for his research/books on marriage...this one is the most popular and I recommend it.

Book Review: Raising Your Spirited Child

I have heard great things about this book, but hadn't read it until recently. Mostly because I didn't think my child was "spirited." I was a little relieved by that fact, but I can't deny I relished moments with his "spirited" friends. Well, he turned 4 and things changed. What do you know? According to this book we've got spirit. Lots of it!

Kurcinka measures "spirit" by assessing 9 characteristics. They are: intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood. Part I: Understanding Spirit contains a description of these characteristics and a quiz to assess how spirited your child is by category and collectively. Part II: Working With Spirit takes you through each characteristic to better learn how to address the needs of your child. Part III: Living With Spirit takes you through mealtime, bedtime and other daily activities. Other chapters include Part IV: Socializing with Spirit (playing which children, vacations and holidays) and Part V: Enjoying Spirit.

This was one of the most comforting quotes from the book. It is one of 5 credos the author offers to parents of spirited children at the beginning of the book:

"You did not make your spirited child. You are but one of many influences in your child's

life. Other parent(s), relatives, siblings, teachers, neighbors, friends, life experiences, and the world at large all play a part. You make a big difference but not the only difference."

And I would add to that...they have their own little personality...or rather big personality in a little body.

*Should you be interested in getting a former edition, it looks like the image to the right.

Book Review: Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes

I like parenting books. It just makes parenting a little easier. However, because there is no single formula that works for every child/parent combination I don't recommend that parents read only one book. I recommend they read 3 to 5 and take what they want. Fill your bag with tricks, try them on for size, and pull them out as you need them. Over the next couple months I will be writing reviews for books that I have found most useful. If you have read them please share your comments.

Win the Whining Wars & Other Skirmishes is one of my first recommendations. Not all parents will find this to be all they need, but every parent needs to know how to praise in the way described in this book. You will learn how to praise in a manner that will change behavior. Praise might seem easy and obvious, but there is a skill to it. It is not only a matter of phrasing, but also timing. Within 3 days of using the methods from this book I noticed changes.

I'll share the basic premise. You categorize your child's behaviors into desirable (getting dressed, saying thank you), undesirable (annoying behaviors such as whining, talking back), and intolerable (harmful behaviors such as hitting, riding bike into the street). You praise the desirable, ignore the undesirable, and punish the intolerable.  However, I do disagree to some extent on the ignoring strategy.  There are times when our child is behaving poorly because they desperately need our attention and ignoring them could make them feel insecure.  Learn to know your child and try to look at the emotions driving their behavior.  And when you punish be sure to let them know you love them to pieces even when you don't like their choices.

If you are a parent please take some time to read this book. It will boost their confidence, give your child a better sense of how to please you, and ultimately enhance your relationship with your child.

And always remember the positive to negative interaction ratio in any relationship should be 10:1!

Allowance

An interesting article on the WSJ about paying your children allowance.

I've been a little hung up on the idea of paying my children to do chores. I agree with Dr. Weinstein that children "should do chores as a member of a household." Additionally, I'd have a problem keeping track of the work done. In that case such a program would be ineffective.

I also like the idea of having them split their allowance 3 ways (save, spend, share). Here is a great homemade piggy bank you can make to help them do this. I plan to make this for my 4 year old. I'm afraid my 2.5 year old is a little young...he might like spending the money, but the other concepts are probably too abstract.

Please share your experience of allowance with the rest of us.

Play Room Checklist

A friend asked me for gift ideas for her 2 year-old boy and I told her cars and trucks, which always seem to be in style with that demographic. I also offerred her a good list of toys that every child should have. These are specific toys that therapists have in a play room for play therapy. Most of them are everyday toys, but they include those toys that are most fit to help children express themselves.

Every birthday and Christmas I try to give my children something from this list so we can have a well-equipped play room at home. If children have these toys to play with at home it will increase their emotional intelligence*. I thought I'd post a modified list for ones I recommend for the home (list modified from Play Therapy-The Art of the Relationship by Garry L. Landreth).

The toys fall into three categories 1) real-life toys, 2) acting-out aggressive-release toys and 3) toys for creative expression and emotional release. You may find that you already have a well-equipped play room. I don't think you need to have all of the toys on this list, but I think you need toys from each category. These are non-gender specific so if you have boys don't be afraid to get them toys that are stereotypically for girls. Some of these are household items...which we all know often become the favorite toys.

These toys don't all have to be right in the play room. The whole house is basically a play room for us. Art supplies are also included in this list. (Small font signifies my comments.)

-doll furniture (I really want a wood doll house even though I have 2 boys...Simon often plays with these when they are in other toy rooms)
-bendable doll family (bendable is best...even if they can just bend at the waist, but non-bendable is better than nothing)
-doll bed, clothes, etc.
-pacifier
-plastic baby bottle
-purse and jewelry
-chalkboard, chalk, eraser
-refrigerator
-stove
-dishes
-pans, silverware
-pitcher
-dishpan
-play food (I highly recommend Melissa & Doug because they allow them to really create a dish)
-fruit and vegetable cans
-egg cartons
-sponge towel
-broom, dust pan
-soap, brush, comb
-crayons, pencils, paper
-transparent tape, paste
-toy watch
-building blocks (different shapes and sizes)
-paints, easel, newsprint, brushes
-playdough or clay
-Lone Ranger-type mask (I am hoping to make 2 of these for Christmas out of felt)
-pipe cleaners
-tongue depressors, popsicle sticks
-riding toy
-truck, car, airplane, tractor, boat
-school bus
-pounding bench and hammer
-xylophone
-cymbals
-drum (we just got this one for Simon's birthday and it has a great sound)
-toy soldiers and army equipment
-firefighter's hat, other hats
-sandbox, large spoon, funnel, sieve, pail
-zoo animals, farm animals (realistic looking ones...these were Simon's obsession until Buzz Lightyear joined our family)
-rubber snake, alligator
-Bobo (bop bag)
-rubber knife
-hand cuffs
-dart gun
-toy noise-making gun (I still have a hard time having toy guns...I don't have any but I'm not opposed to them)
-balls (large and small)
-telephone (two...old cell phones would be great for this generation)
-blunt scissors
-construction paper
-medical kit
-bandaids
-play money and cash register
-rags or old towels
-hand puppets (doctor, nurse, police officer, mother, father, sister, brother, baby, alligator, wolf...that is their specific list, but any puppets provide a great way for children to express things they are afraid to say directly)
-Tinker toys
-rope
-tissues (on the list, but I can't figure out how they would stay in the box in a play room for more than 10 minutes)

A few things I would add:
-occupational dress up clothes (fireman, police officer, chef, construction worker...I love the Melissa & Doug ones)
-occupational people figures (I have this set of occupational people and a set of people with disabilities and my boys play with them all the time)
-child's aprons (so they can help in the kitchen...of course, if you have a chef outfit this can be used)

*Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman is a must read for every parent. Gottman also well known for his research/books on marriage...this one is the most popular and I recommend it.