Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

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I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

Date Night - Friday, September 13

I'm really excited for our date night.  Here are some details in case you are wondering:

What's the plan?

7:00 - 8:00 p.m.        Relationship education and tools for connection

8:00 - 8:30 p.m.        Couples break for some guided application in a private setting

8:30 - 9:00 p.m.        Regroup for discussion

9:00 - 10:00 p.m.      A brief dance lesson and dancing

Who should come?

Anyone who wants to enhance their relationship and learn some ways to connect on a deeper level and add a little more spark and romance.

What can I expect to get out of this evening?

Couples who have not attended can expect to get an introduction to the book Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson and begin applying these tools to their relationship.  Couples may choose to continue the work by signing up for a full workshop ($50 discount for those who attend Date Night).

Couples who have previously attended a Hold Me Tight Workshop will meet separately.  This is a chance to reconnect with other couples, revisit and solidify the concepts, fine tune your understanding of the cycle, and explore your connection through dancing.  If you have specific questions to address please let us know beforehand.

What if we don't dance?

We have asked a couple who dance to come and provide a brief lesson.  I think they are going to add the perfect touch to this evening.  More details to come.  (By the way, I don't dance either, but I'm hoping my husband can come and we can learn together.  I'm a little nervous to be honest.)

Register here.

It's Not About the Nail

I love this!


It's Not About The Nail from Republic Content on Vimeo.

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This really is a must read for every one who lives and breathes. It was interesting to read it as a therapist. I was expecting something more like a self help book, but was intrigued to find it to be a cross between that and a description of a model of therapy (though leans heavily toward the former). I could relate it to my work with couples as often as we work through their struggles we are looking for the "meaning" in their relationship and finding that meaning carries them through their struggles together. It is why couples stay together through so much pain and conflict and gives them the motivation to work through it and stay together.

I was moved by his description of his emotional connection to his wife. Here are a few of his quotes about love that touched me:
"My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing--which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It find its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

"I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thought, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying. "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death." p. 58

The last generation of therapists (and some still today) talk about codependency as if it is a bad thing. We are deeply connected to our partners beyond ourselves. Invisible wires connect us to their hearts and minds. We become attached like a mother and child with similar needs, but in a lateral way.

Another: ""Listen, Otto, if I dont' get back home to my wife and if you should see her again, then tell her that I talked of her daily, hourly. You remember. Secondly, I have loved her more than anyone. Thirdly, the short time I have been married to her outweighs everything even all we have gone through here." p. 76

Imagine that, the magnitude of love being greater than the pain of the holocaust. Think of what love (a.k.a. secure adult attachment) does for us who live normal lives. Indeed, love gives us a secure base from which we can become so much more than the sum of our parts.

And 'The Meaning of Love' on p. 134.

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

"In logotherapy, love is not interpreted as a mere epiphenomenon of sexual drives and instincts in the sense of a so-called sublimation. Love is as primary a phenomenon as sex. Normally, sex is a mode of expression for love. Sex is justified, even sanctified, as soon as, but only as long as, it is a vehicle of love. Thus love is not understood as a mere side-effect of sex; rather, sex is a way of expressing the experience of that ultimate togetherness which is called love."

Enough said. And today is my 11th anniversary...so fortunate to have true love. So, so fortunate.

View all my reviews

What is love, anyway?

The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago...to me the cold is just a testament to it's awesomeness..."the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis."  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather...it is and it does.")  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan's view about how "love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person."  She goes on, "Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away."

One commenter said, "you've never been in love."  I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love...otherwise he wouldn't feel the pain of the other receding.  It wouldn't matter and he wouldn't notice.

I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another.  Minus the narcissistic twist that's beautiful.  Regarding the cruelty part...the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into...so, so often.  See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder.  The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds.  However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed.  The initiation comes in a heightened form...sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate...the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all...and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship.  The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes.  And there you have the cycle of disconnection. 

Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.



Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.

My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love.  Take a look at your tendencies...is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick?  Ask your partner...if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve?  And always know, there is a way to make it happen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quote: Carl Rogers

It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.             

-- Carl Rogers 

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Watch this and let me know your thoughts....



What did you think?

There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness."

image source

This article reminds me to stay in the moment even though it might mean enduring things that don't make me happy.  I believe that in many ways I have chosen meaning over happiness, but have been confused when meaning didn't equal happiness.  I am grateful for Victor Frankl and the way he lived his life.  I choose meaning.

The article quotes Frankl....
"This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how.""

Follow the link below to the full article:
There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

How do you find meaning?

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

Today's post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 

Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there's a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There's also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won't just turn to you and say "Sweet-heart, I'm so sorry, I'm just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?"

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: "What, we came to a barbeque place and you're ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together." Then going on further to say, "It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq." Another example might be, "Why didn't you call? It's like you don't think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it's a cue there's something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it's probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here's a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy..."

2. Let them know the impact it's having on you. For example, "I'm feeling anxious as you question me." or "the sharp tone hurts my feelings."

3. Remind them you're their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, "I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me."

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren't being attentive. For example, "I'm sorry, I know we're out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn't know til we got here I didn't feel like bbq."

All together it sounds something like this: "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy. I'm feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I'm sorry I didn't let you know I didn't feel like eating bbq - I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you."

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD

Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?

Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sshh...don't tell my husband I've finished this book because I want to go back and review some things before he snatches it away. I keep catching him sneaking a peak. I am grateful to have a husband who wants to read my book about vulnerability. To me it demonstrates courage, love and trust.

Really, this book is outstanding! A quote from the book illustrates what it is all about. "Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be life if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."

Not only has Brene hit the nail on the head when it comes to what stops us from being everything we can be, but she doesn't an excellent job telling you how to do it. I'm going to be reading this one again!

View all my reviews

Definition of Love, Connection and Belonging

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I'll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

  love, connection and belonging

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.


How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?

Reader's Digest version

There is a ton of research out there about attachment dating back to the 1940s.  And it just keeps on going, including current research backing the theory of Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (which is all about attachment in adulthood to our significant others).  But if you are like me...sometimes you just want the Reader's Digest version...so here it is.  Since it was so short I just typed it up.

Love on the Mind

How relationships affect your brain

by Diane Ackerman

Thanks to a new field of research called interpersonal neurobiology, scientists are beginning to understand how feelings of love (or the lack of them) can impact specific areas of the brain.  The evidence:

TOUCH HEALS
For a study at the University of Virginia, scientists threatened married women with an electric shock.  When they held their husbands' hands during the experiment, the women's anterior cingulate cortexes and other pain and anxiety-related centers in the brain showed significantly less activation than when they held hands with others or with no one at all.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTENT
Research from Stony Brook University showed that when men and women in happy relationships looked at photographs of their partners, their brain's pleasure center, including the accumbens, lit up.  The brains of long-married couples also registered feelings of attachment and calm in the globus pallidus and other regions.

LOVE HURTS
According to Columbia University scientists, the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain, such as the dorsal posterior insula, are active when someone experiences rejection.

readersdigest.com 7/12-8/12

Family Digest
edited by Beth Dreher

Words Do Matter

So touching.  How we say things is critical...particularly when we are talking to those who are near and dear to us.  Because what we say to them touches in a tender place...because they depend on us...often more than they let on.

Do you sometimes feel this way?

Sharing our emotions can be like jumping out of an airplane.  It is risky.  The fear of exposing deep emotions...letting people know we are scared, ashamed, afraid of rejection, feeling like a failure, hurting...can be overwhelming.  We don't always know how others will react.  Will they think less of us?  Will they listen?  Will they reassure?  What if they don't?

Just as we can learn how to safely jump out of an airplane, couples, families, and individuals can learn how to safely share emotions.  With practice we can do it with grace.  With experience we gain confidence that the risk is worth the reward.

This video is of Dale Stuart, who is now an EFT therapist.

Pretty amazing!

Emotion - "to move"

Emotions are experienced on two levels. In the mental health world we call them primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones deep inside...the initial response to a situation. They include joy, peace, fear, shame, sadness, hurt, guilt, and disappointment among others. Secondary emotions are those that surface as a response to primary emotions. They are the emotions that others see. Those that make us uncomfortable such as hostility, disapproval, paranoia, distrust, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, self-hatred, and depression.

When we only show others (or ourselves) our secondary emotions they can feel threatened, overwhelmed and confused. This makes it difficult for them to connect with us. We are better able to connect with others when we can recognize and express our primary emotions. By doing so we become closer to one another. Sue Johnson explains in Hold Me Tight* what she learned from couples that led her to develop the EFT model:

"Emotion comes form a Latin word emovere, to move. We talk of being 'moved' by our emotions, and we are 'moved' when those we love show their deeper feelings to us. If partners were to reconnect, they indeed had to let their emotions move them into new ways of responding to each other. My clients had to learn to take risks, to show the softer sides of themselves, the sides they learned to hide..."

Our relationships will improve as we are more able to identify and express our primary emotions. We can do this by slowing down when we express secondary emotions. Take time to be in the moment. Think about the events leading up to the emotions. What were your thoughts? What did your thoughts lead you to believe about the situation? As we become more aware of our primary emotions we can learn to respond to them differently and decrease the occurrence of secondary emotions. Give it a try!

Have a LOVEly weekend!

*Book review to come: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson, Developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

From Gottman: Love Maps Exercise 2

The following is an exercise from Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Exercise 2: Make Your Own Love Maps, p. 54

Use the following form to interview each other as if you were reporters. Take turns as listener and speaker, and write out the answers to these forms. Don't pass judgment on what our spouse tells you or try to give eachother advice. Remember that you are simply on a fact-finding mission. Your goal is to listen and learn about your mate.

The cast of characters in my partner's life

-Friends:

-Potential Friends:

-Rivals, competitors, "enemies"

Recent important events in my partner's life

Upcoming events

(What is my partner looking forward to? Dreading?

My partner's current stresses

My partner's current worries

My partner's hope and aspirations (for self? for others?)

Monogamy

A Brutally Candid Oral History of Breaking Up

Here is an interesting article about an interesting movie. Perhaps if people see enough examples of what not to do they'll figure out how to avoid the break up ending. I think each break up story has one critical element...wounds that seem like they cannot be healed. But I believe couples can learn how to heal them. That is a major component of Emotion Focused Couple Therapy.