Remembering 9/11 in Washington, D.C. - The Quality of our Relationships Impacts Our Capacity to Heal

Visit 911day.org to pledge
your good deed.

Where were you when you learned about the attack on the World Trade Centers and who did you call first?

I imagine most of us, regardless of how far we were from New York City or Washington, D.C. on September 11, 2001, remember exactly who we called first.  We most likely talked soon with those who were near and dear to us.  I remember feeling so vulnerable that day.  I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah and the first person I remember talking to was my new found love of my life who was living 30 miles away in Provo.  When crisis hits our instinct is to reach out to our attachment figures.  We seek connection.  We seek comfort and safety...which is what a secure attachment figure provides.

Now here I am in living in Washington, D.C.  I've heard friends recount their experience that day.  They walked home from work no matter how many miles.  It must have been an intense experience to be walking down I-395 with thousands of other people.

EFT Trainer, George Faller, LMFT is a recently retired lieutenant of the FDNY.  Having begun his education to become a therapist in 1995, George brought EFT to the emergency responders and his firefighter colleagues after 9/11.  He shares his experience on NBC here: Changed by 9/11, firefighter counsels peers.  Likewise, the EFT community in Colorado has extended support to Denver Police Officers and their partners.  As you can imagine, the article says, "many people in the department (and in the world)..."are suspicious of and tend to avoid situations that employ words such as 'emotion, therapy, love, attachment and bonding.'"  But EFT has been tried and tested and has proved to be the answer to a healthy love relationship, a central component to healing from traumatic life experiences.  

Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love contains a chapter about the power of love to heal traumatic wounds.  Her research has She explains how "the quality of our central relationships affects how we face and heal from trauma, and as everything moves in a circle, trauma has an impact on our relationships with the people we love."

As we learn about negative patterns in our relationships it is important that we understand how traumatic or stressful life circumstances affect our interactions.  If you've experienced traumatic circumstances it is worth learning how your partner can strengthen you and help you to overcome the way it grips you.

If you or someone you love has been impacted I encourage you to seek support.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help.  That will only hold you back.  Find a good therapist.  If you are in a relationship I recommend attending a The Hold Me Tight Workshops (next one is October 18-19) to learn together.  If you are looking for a simple way to observe 9/11 you can simply make a pledge to do a good deed at 911day.org.

How has 9/11 impacted you?  What will you be doing today to remember 9/11?

Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

Click image for more details.

I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

Date Night - Friday, September 13

I'm really excited for our date night.  Here are some details in case you are wondering:

What's the plan?

7:00 - 8:00 p.m.        Relationship education and tools for connection

8:00 - 8:30 p.m.        Couples break for some guided application in a private setting

8:30 - 9:00 p.m.        Regroup for discussion

9:00 - 10:00 p.m.      A brief dance lesson and dancing

Who should come?

Anyone who wants to enhance their relationship and learn some ways to connect on a deeper level and add a little more spark and romance.

What can I expect to get out of this evening?

Couples who have not attended can expect to get an introduction to the book Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson and begin applying these tools to their relationship.  Couples may choose to continue the work by signing up for a full workshop ($50 discount for those who attend Date Night).

Couples who have previously attended a Hold Me Tight Workshop will meet separately.  This is a chance to reconnect with other couples, revisit and solidify the concepts, fine tune your understanding of the cycle, and explore your connection through dancing.  If you have specific questions to address please let us know beforehand.

What if we don't dance?

We have asked a couple who dance to come and provide a brief lesson.  I think they are going to add the perfect touch to this evening.  More details to come.  (By the way, I don't dance either, but I'm hoping my husband can come and we can learn together.  I'm a little nervous to be honest.)

Register here.

Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I'm going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view. How did you appraise the meaning of the experience differently? How do you think that your child would react if you offered her a view into how you have made sense of the experience through her eyes? p. 72
3. Reflect on times when you have entered low-road states with your children. How have you acted at such times? How have your children responded to you when you were on the low road? Can you recognize the sensation when you are leaving the high road? Knowing your triggers and being able to recognize when you are entering the low road are the fist steps toward changing the way they may be influencing your life and your ways of relating to your children. p. 170

Happy reading and happy parenting!

View all my reviews

It's Not About the Nail

I love this!


It's Not About The Nail from Republic Content on Vimeo.

Acceptance, Tara Brach, and the Brain

Soon you'll be seeing a guest post on a blog called Doe a Deery about acceptance.  (Here it is.)  I talked about how acceptance is a verb...which simply means that in order to really know if we have acceptance deeply rooted in us we need to look at ourselves and see if we practice it day to day.  I listed ways in which we act when we are practicing acceptance and those which indicate that we aren't.  Take a moment to look them over.  Here you can read more about what to do when you catch yourself in some of the behaviors listed.

I attended the Psychotherapy Networker on Saturday in D.C.  I was there for a one day workshop with Sue Johnson and James Coan about how the brain processes emotion and what this means for me as a therapist.  Fascinating, what a dynamic teaching team.  Informative and entertaining.  (I learned that I need to help my couples learn to do more sweet talking to one another's amygdala.)  

The keynote speaker was Tara Brach.  What a fabulous way to start this day.  This woman is like the female Dahai Lama!  So soothing to hear her speak...that soft, calming, voice is healing in and of itself. Her insight regarding peace, acceptance, presence, and allowance were moving.  Here are a few gems from my notes:

• Our brains have the capacity to move from the innate fight or flight response (to stress and conflict) to a new response of tend and befriend.  
• As humans we strategize ways to give us a temporary feeling of worthiness or connectedness (see the behaviors I listed on Doe a Deery).  She calls these false refuges.  They are also often referred to as defense mechanisms.  
• Self-judgement is the most pervasive suffering in our culture.  We tend to go to self-judgment when we encounter a stimulus that sends our thoughts to 'something is wrong or something is missing', which makes it's way to 'something is wrong with me.'  

She described two strategies for managing difficult emotions.

• Concentration - Concentration is noticing and sitting with what is happening in the moment.  Bringing your thoughts and surrounding into consciousness and awareness.  Notice and allow.
• Mindfulness - Mindfulness (and meditation) de-conditions the feeling of something is wrong, something is missing.  It is the process of asking 'what is happening right here?  Can I be with this?'  Recognize it and allow yourself to be with it.  Then consent to it.  Choose presence.  

Here are a few things from youtube.

This one is on self-compassion:




This one is about radical acceptance, asking ourselves "what's it like to be in another's shoes- to be experiencing another person's hopes and disappointments, hurts and fears?":

And one about gossip:

What is love, anyway?

The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago...to me the cold is just a testament to it's awesomeness..."the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis."  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather...it is and it does.")  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan's view about how "love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person."  She goes on, "Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away."

One commenter said, "you've never been in love."  I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love...otherwise he wouldn't feel the pain of the other receding.  It wouldn't matter and he wouldn't notice.

I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another.  Minus the narcissistic twist that's beautiful.  Regarding the cruelty part...the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into...so, so often.  See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder.  The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds.  However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed.  The initiation comes in a heightened form...sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate...the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all...and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship.  The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes.  And there you have the cycle of disconnection. 

Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.



Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.

My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love.  Take a look at your tendencies...is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick?  Ask your partner...if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve?  And always know, there is a way to make it happen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quote: Carl Rogers

It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.             

-- Carl Rogers 

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Watch this and let me know your thoughts....



What did you think?

There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness."

image source

This article reminds me to stay in the moment even though it might mean enduring things that don't make me happy.  I believe that in many ways I have chosen meaning over happiness, but have been confused when meaning didn't equal happiness.  I am grateful for Victor Frankl and the way he lived his life.  I choose meaning.

The article quotes Frankl....
"This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how.""

Follow the link below to the full article:
There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

How do you find meaning?

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

Today's post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 

Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there's a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There's also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won't just turn to you and say "Sweet-heart, I'm so sorry, I'm just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?"

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: "What, we came to a barbeque place and you're ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together." Then going on further to say, "It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq." Another example might be, "Why didn't you call? It's like you don't think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it's a cue there's something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it's probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here's a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy..."

2. Let them know the impact it's having on you. For example, "I'm feeling anxious as you question me." or "the sharp tone hurts my feelings."

3. Remind them you're their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, "I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me."

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren't being attentive. For example, "I'm sorry, I know we're out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn't know til we got here I didn't feel like bbq."

All together it sounds something like this: "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy. I'm feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I'm sorry I didn't let you know I didn't feel like eating bbq - I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you."

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD

Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?

Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sshh...don't tell my husband I've finished this book because I want to go back and review some things before he snatches it away. I keep catching him sneaking a peak. I am grateful to have a husband who wants to read my book about vulnerability. To me it demonstrates courage, love and trust.

Really, this book is outstanding! A quote from the book illustrates what it is all about. "Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be life if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."

Not only has Brene hit the nail on the head when it comes to what stops us from being everything we can be, but she doesn't an excellent job telling you how to do it. I'm going to be reading this one again!

View all my reviews

Definition of Love, Connection and Belonging

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I'll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

  love, connection and belonging

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.


How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?

Reader's Digest version

There is a ton of research out there about attachment dating back to the 1940s.  And it just keeps on going, including current research backing the theory of Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (which is all about attachment in adulthood to our significant others).  But if you are like me...sometimes you just want the Reader's Digest version...so here it is.  Since it was so short I just typed it up.

Love on the Mind

How relationships affect your brain

by Diane Ackerman

Thanks to a new field of research called interpersonal neurobiology, scientists are beginning to understand how feelings of love (or the lack of them) can impact specific areas of the brain.  The evidence:

TOUCH HEALS
For a study at the University of Virginia, scientists threatened married women with an electric shock.  When they held their husbands' hands during the experiment, the women's anterior cingulate cortexes and other pain and anxiety-related centers in the brain showed significantly less activation than when they held hands with others or with no one at all.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTENT
Research from Stony Brook University showed that when men and women in happy relationships looked at photographs of their partners, their brain's pleasure center, including the accumbens, lit up.  The brains of long-married couples also registered feelings of attachment and calm in the globus pallidus and other regions.

LOVE HURTS
According to Columbia University scientists, the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain, such as the dorsal posterior insula, are active when someone experiences rejection.

readersdigest.com 7/12-8/12

Family Digest
edited by Beth Dreher

Words Do Matter

So touching.  How we say things is critical...particularly when we are talking to those who are near and dear to us.  Because what we say to them touches in a tender place...because they depend on us...often more than they let on.

More Than Gold

This is a lovely story about Jake Gibb who is representing the USA in beach volley ball. Thanks, Jake, for sharing such precious things with us.  There is no question that the demands that have been placed on this couple would test a relationship. At the same time, what a grand opportunity to strengthen a bond. When we have a secure attachment with our partner intense emotional experiences bind us. If we don't feel like we can reach our partner at such times, we often panic and act in ways that hurt each other. Even then, the repair of the disconnection is also an opportunity to form a secure attachment.  I wish you all the best Jake, Jane & Little Guy Gibb.  May you have all the health and strength you need to have a rich, long life...together.  May you also have all the success you've dreamed of in London!

MORE THAN GOLD from Josh on Vimeo.

As a side note...I went to high school with Jake Gibb. It is inspiring when people from the same modest world I grew up in reach such great heights.

Do you sometimes feel this way?

Sharing our emotions can be like jumping out of an airplane.  It is risky.  The fear of exposing deep emotions...letting people know we are scared, ashamed, afraid of rejection, feeling like a failure, hurting...can be overwhelming.  We don't always know how others will react.  Will they think less of us?  Will they listen?  Will they reassure?  What if they don't?

Just as we can learn how to safely jump out of an airplane, couples, families, and individuals can learn how to safely share emotions.  With practice we can do it with grace.  With experience we gain confidence that the risk is worth the reward.

This video is of Dale Stuart, who is now an EFT therapist.

Pretty amazing!

Book Review: Hold Me Tight

Someone asked me the other day what I do when a couple comes to see me. I told her that with couples I use a research based method of practice called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT has published the book Hold Me Tight, which offers readers a refreshing new way of looking at their love relationships.

I would not recommend that distressed couples rely solely on this book, but it is a great resource to improve any marriage. The following is an excerpt from the description on the inside cover of her book:

"The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection."

The book takes couples through seven conversations to help them become more attuned to their emotional connection with each other. These conversations will help couples to create a secure bond that will continue to grow over time.

Research proves EFT to be significantly more effective than other forms of couple therapy. I love how this book challenges the current culture of extreme individuality and personal independence. I think it takes more strength to rely on someone and to be relied on in return than it does to be independent. And the benefits are far greater! You can read more about EFT here.