Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

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I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I'm going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view. How did you appraise the meaning of the experience differently? How do you think that your child would react if you offered her a view into how you have made sense of the experience through her eyes? p. 72
3. Reflect on times when you have entered low-road states with your children. How have you acted at such times? How have your children responded to you when you were on the low road? Can you recognize the sensation when you are leaving the high road? Knowing your triggers and being able to recognize when you are entering the low road are the fist steps toward changing the way they may be influencing your life and your ways of relating to your children. p. 170

Happy reading and happy parenting!

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It's Not About the Nail

I love this!


It's Not About The Nail from Republic Content on Vimeo.

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This really is a must read for every one who lives and breathes. It was interesting to read it as a therapist. I was expecting something more like a self help book, but was intrigued to find it to be a cross between that and a description of a model of therapy (though leans heavily toward the former). I could relate it to my work with couples as often as we work through their struggles we are looking for the "meaning" in their relationship and finding that meaning carries them through their struggles together. It is why couples stay together through so much pain and conflict and gives them the motivation to work through it and stay together.

I was moved by his description of his emotional connection to his wife. Here are a few of his quotes about love that touched me:
"My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing--which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It find its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

"I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thought, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying. "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death." p. 58

The last generation of therapists (and some still today) talk about codependency as if it is a bad thing. We are deeply connected to our partners beyond ourselves. Invisible wires connect us to their hearts and minds. We become attached like a mother and child with similar needs, but in a lateral way.

Another: ""Listen, Otto, if I dont' get back home to my wife and if you should see her again, then tell her that I talked of her daily, hourly. You remember. Secondly, I have loved her more than anyone. Thirdly, the short time I have been married to her outweighs everything even all we have gone through here." p. 76

Imagine that, the magnitude of love being greater than the pain of the holocaust. Think of what love (a.k.a. secure adult attachment) does for us who live normal lives. Indeed, love gives us a secure base from which we can become so much more than the sum of our parts.

And 'The Meaning of Love' on p. 134.

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

"In logotherapy, love is not interpreted as a mere epiphenomenon of sexual drives and instincts in the sense of a so-called sublimation. Love is as primary a phenomenon as sex. Normally, sex is a mode of expression for love. Sex is justified, even sanctified, as soon as, but only as long as, it is a vehicle of love. Thus love is not understood as a mere side-effect of sex; rather, sex is a way of expressing the experience of that ultimate togetherness which is called love."

Enough said. And today is my 11th anniversary...so fortunate to have true love. So, so fortunate.

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Acceptance, Tara Brach, and the Brain

Soon you'll be seeing a guest post on a blog called Doe a Deery about acceptance.  (Here it is.)  I talked about how acceptance is a verb...which simply means that in order to really know if we have acceptance deeply rooted in us we need to look at ourselves and see if we practice it day to day.  I listed ways in which we act when we are practicing acceptance and those which indicate that we aren't.  Take a moment to look them over.  Here you can read more about what to do when you catch yourself in some of the behaviors listed.

I attended the Psychotherapy Networker on Saturday in D.C.  I was there for a one day workshop with Sue Johnson and James Coan about how the brain processes emotion and what this means for me as a therapist.  Fascinating, what a dynamic teaching team.  Informative and entertaining.  (I learned that I need to help my couples learn to do more sweet talking to one another's amygdala.)  

The keynote speaker was Tara Brach.  What a fabulous way to start this day.  This woman is like the female Dahai Lama!  So soothing to hear her speak...that soft, calming, voice is healing in and of itself. Her insight regarding peace, acceptance, presence, and allowance were moving.  Here are a few gems from my notes:

• Our brains have the capacity to move from the innate fight or flight response (to stress and conflict) to a new response of tend and befriend.  
• As humans we strategize ways to give us a temporary feeling of worthiness or connectedness (see the behaviors I listed on Doe a Deery).  She calls these false refuges.  They are also often referred to as defense mechanisms.  
• Self-judgement is the most pervasive suffering in our culture.  We tend to go to self-judgment when we encounter a stimulus that sends our thoughts to 'something is wrong or something is missing', which makes it's way to 'something is wrong with me.'  

She described two strategies for managing difficult emotions.

• Concentration - Concentration is noticing and sitting with what is happening in the moment.  Bringing your thoughts and surrounding into consciousness and awareness.  Notice and allow.
• Mindfulness - Mindfulness (and meditation) de-conditions the feeling of something is wrong, something is missing.  It is the process of asking 'what is happening right here?  Can I be with this?'  Recognize it and allow yourself to be with it.  Then consent to it.  Choose presence.  

Here are a few things from youtube.

This one is on self-compassion:




This one is about radical acceptance, asking ourselves "what's it like to be in another's shoes- to be experiencing another person's hopes and disappointments, hurts and fears?":

And one about gossip:

What is love, anyway?

The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago...to me the cold is just a testament to it's awesomeness..."the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis."  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather...it is and it does.")  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan's view about how "love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person."  She goes on, "Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away."

One commenter said, "you've never been in love."  I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love...otherwise he wouldn't feel the pain of the other receding.  It wouldn't matter and he wouldn't notice.

I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another.  Minus the narcissistic twist that's beautiful.  Regarding the cruelty part...the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into...so, so often.  See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder.  The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds.  However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed.  The initiation comes in a heightened form...sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate...the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all...and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship.  The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes.  And there you have the cycle of disconnection. 

Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.



Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.

My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love.  Take a look at your tendencies...is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick?  Ask your partner...if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve?  And always know, there is a way to make it happen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quote: Carl Rogers

It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.             

-- Carl Rogers 

There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness."

image source

This article reminds me to stay in the moment even though it might mean enduring things that don't make me happy.  I believe that in many ways I have chosen meaning over happiness, but have been confused when meaning didn't equal happiness.  I am grateful for Victor Frankl and the way he lived his life.  I choose meaning.

The article quotes Frankl....
"This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how.""

Follow the link below to the full article:
There's More to Life Than Being Happy - The Atlantic

How do you find meaning?

Gratitude: An antidote for Shame

Image source.  

Considering it is the season of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss gratitude...particularly how gratitude can help us to embrace vulnerability and overcome shame.  If you aren't yet familiar with Brene Brown and her work on using the power of vulnerability you can learn more here and here.

"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection -- to be the person whom we long to be -- we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."  (All quotes in this post are from Daring Greatly.)

Through her research, Brene identified foreboding joy as one of the ways we shield ourselves from vulnerability.  Foreboding joy is when we are in the midst of a joyful situation and our mind goes directly to a worst case scenario.  For example, sometimes when I am on an outing with my husband and children my mind goes to an image of my son getting hit by a car or something equally terrible.  Unconsciously, I may get tense, my anxiety goes up, and I might get short tempered.  Rather than experiencing the joy of the moment, I am suddenly unpleasant to be around.

Brene says, "scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy.  We're afraid that the feeling of joy won't last, that there won't be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.  We've learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster.  And we struggle with the worthiness issue.  Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections?  What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world?  Who are we to be joyful?"

Gratitude is the antidote for foreboding joy.  She goes on, "if the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."  And that we indeed deserve the joy we are experiencing.

Brene learned from talking with people who have been through profound loss or trauma. She shares three lessons.  1.  Joy comes to us in moments--ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.  2. Be grateful for what you have.  Don't shrink away from it because someone else doesn't have it.  Don't apologize for it.  Celebrate it.  Let those around you know how much they mean to you.  3. Don't squander joy.  Yes it may be, at times, scary and uncomfortable, but leaning into joy is how we build resilience and hope.  The joy becomes a part of us - and when bad things (inevitably) happen, we are strengthened.

She clarifies that practicing gratitude is more than just an attitude of gratitude...it is more deliberate, something we do.  Below are some ideas for practicing gratitude this week:

1. Create a gratitude tree.  Draw a large tree on a piece of paper and cut out a bunch of small leaves.  Have your children share things they are grateful for and write it on a leaf.  See if you can fill the tree with leaves.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.  Write down 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.
3. When you feel joy (and vulnerability)...tell whoever you are with about it.
4. Take pictures of things you are grateful for and share it with friends and family.
5. Create a gratitude poster.
6. Create a joy journal with this free printable.  Source.
7. Call someone you are grateful for and tell them.
8. Write a letter to someone who helped you in your youth, whether a parent, teacher, or friend.
9. Find the beauty in this very moment.
10. Thank yourself for being you.

How have you practiced gratitude and how has it impacted your life?

Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sshh...don't tell my husband I've finished this book because I want to go back and review some things before he snatches it away. I keep catching him sneaking a peak. I am grateful to have a husband who wants to read my book about vulnerability. To me it demonstrates courage, love and trust.

Really, this book is outstanding! A quote from the book illustrates what it is all about. "Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be life if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."

Not only has Brene hit the nail on the head when it comes to what stops us from being everything we can be, but she doesn't an excellent job telling you how to do it. I'm going to be reading this one again!

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Definition of Love, Connection and Belonging

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I'll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

  love, connection and belonging

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.


How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?

Words Do Matter

So touching.  How we say things is critical...particularly when we are talking to those who are near and dear to us.  Because what we say to them touches in a tender place...because they depend on us...often more than they let on.

More Than Gold

This is a lovely story about Jake Gibb who is representing the USA in beach volley ball. Thanks, Jake, for sharing such precious things with us.  There is no question that the demands that have been placed on this couple would test a relationship. At the same time, what a grand opportunity to strengthen a bond. When we have a secure attachment with our partner intense emotional experiences bind us. If we don't feel like we can reach our partner at such times, we often panic and act in ways that hurt each other. Even then, the repair of the disconnection is also an opportunity to form a secure attachment.  I wish you all the best Jake, Jane & Little Guy Gibb.  May you have all the health and strength you need to have a rich, long life...together.  May you also have all the success you've dreamed of in London!

MORE THAN GOLD from Josh on Vimeo.

As a side note...I went to high school with Jake Gibb. It is inspiring when people from the same modest world I grew up in reach such great heights.

Toy Room List

A friend asked me for gift ideas for her 2 year-old boy and I told her cars and trucks...and that I also have a good list of toys that every child should have. I used to do play therapy.  I would bring children into a play room and play and talk in certain way to develop a special kind of relationship. A child's vocabulary is limited so they use objects to express themselves.  If children have these toys at home it can help to increase their emotional intelligence*.  Here is a modified list for the home (modified from Play Therapy-The Art of the Relationship by Garry L. Landreth, a book for play therapists, not parents). They fall under 3 categories 1) real-life toys, 2) acting-out aggressive-release toys and 3) toys for creative expression and emotional release. You may already have a well-equipped play room.  You don't need all the toys on this list, but you should have toys from each category. These are non-gender specific so if you have boys don't be afraid to get them toys that are stereotypically for girls. Some are household items...which we all know often become the favorite toys...these don't all have to be right in the play room...after all the whole house is basically a play room for us. Art supplies are also included. (Small font is my comments.)

doll furniture (I really want a wood doll house even though I have 2 boys...Simon often plays with these when they are in other toy rooms)
bendable doll family (bendable is best...even if they can just bend at the waist, but non-bendable is better than nothing)
dolls
doll bed, clothes, etc.
pacifier
plastic baby bottle
purse and jewelry
chalkboard, chalk, eraser
refrigerator
stove
dishes
pans, silverware
pitcher
dishpan
play food (I recommend Melissa & Doug because they allow them to really create a dish)
fruit and vegetable cans
egg cartons
sponge towel
broom, dust pan
soap, brush, comb
crayons, pencils, paper
transparent tape, paste
toy watch
building blocks (different shapes and sizes)
paints, easel, newsprint, brushes
playdough or clay
Lone Ranger-type mask (I am hoping to make 2 of these for Christmas out of felt)
pipe cleaners
tongue depressors, popsicle sticks
riding toy
truck, car, airplane, tractor, boat
school bus
pounding bench and hammer
xylophone
cymbals
drum (we have this one and it has a great sound)
toy soldiers and army equipment
firefighter's hat, other hats
sandbox, large spoon, funnel, sieve, pail
zoo animals, farm animals (realistic looking ones...these were Simon's obsession until Buzz Lightyear joined our family)
rubber snake, alligator
Bobo (bop bag)
rubber knife
hand cuffs
dart gun
toy noise-making gun (I still have a hard time having toy guns...I don't have any but I'm not opposed to them)
balls (large and small)
telephone (two...old cell phones would be great for this generation)
blunt scissors
construction paper
medical kit
bandaids
play money and cash register
rags or old towels
hand puppets (doctor, nurse, police officer, mother, father, sister, brother, baby, alligator, wolf...that is their specific list, but any puppets provide a great way for children to express things they are afraid to say directly)
Tinker toys
rope
tissues (on the list, but I can't figure out how they would stay in the box in a play room for more than 10 minutes)

A few things I would add:
occupational dress up clothes (fireman, police officer, chef, construction worker...I love the Melissa & Doug ones
occupational people figures (I have this set of occupational people and a set of people with disabilities and I got these out of storage and the boys play with them all the time...Simon's favorite is the fireman and Jack's is the "baker man.")
child's aprons (so they can help in the kitchen...of course, if you have a chef outfit this can be used)


*Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman is a must read for every parent. Gottman also well known for his research/books on marriage...this one is the most popular and I recommend it.

Emotion - "to move"

Emotions are experienced on two levels. In the mental health world we call them primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones deep inside...the initial response to a situation. They include joy, peace, fear, shame, sadness, hurt, guilt, and disappointment among others. Secondary emotions are those that surface as a response to primary emotions. They are the emotions that others see. Those that make us uncomfortable such as hostility, disapproval, paranoia, distrust, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, self-hatred, and depression.

When we only show others (or ourselves) our secondary emotions they can feel threatened, overwhelmed and confused. This makes it difficult for them to connect with us. We are better able to connect with others when we can recognize and express our primary emotions. By doing so we become closer to one another. Sue Johnson explains in Hold Me Tight* what she learned from couples that led her to develop the EFT model:

"Emotion comes form a Latin word emovere, to move. We talk of being 'moved' by our emotions, and we are 'moved' when those we love show their deeper feelings to us. If partners were to reconnect, they indeed had to let their emotions move them into new ways of responding to each other. My clients had to learn to take risks, to show the softer sides of themselves, the sides they learned to hide..."

Our relationships will improve as we are more able to identify and express our primary emotions. We can do this by slowing down when we express secondary emotions. Take time to be in the moment. Think about the events leading up to the emotions. What were your thoughts? What did your thoughts lead you to believe about the situation? As we become more aware of our primary emotions we can learn to respond to them differently and decrease the occurrence of secondary emotions. Give it a try!

Have a LOVEly weekend!

*Book review to come: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson, Developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy