Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I'm going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view. How did you appraise the meaning of the experience differently? How do you think that your child would react if you offered her a view into how you have made sense of the experience through her eyes? p. 72
3. Reflect on times when you have entered low-road states with your children. How have you acted at such times? How have your children responded to you when you were on the low road? Can you recognize the sensation when you are leaving the high road? Knowing your triggers and being able to recognize when you are entering the low road are the fist steps toward changing the way they may be influencing your life and your ways of relating to your children. p. 170

Happy reading and happy parenting!

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Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This really is a must read for every one who lives and breathes. It was interesting to read it as a therapist. I was expecting something more like a self help book, but was intrigued to find it to be a cross between that and a description of a model of therapy (though leans heavily toward the former). I could relate it to my work with couples as often as we work through their struggles we are looking for the "meaning" in their relationship and finding that meaning carries them through their struggles together. It is why couples stay together through so much pain and conflict and gives them the motivation to work through it and stay together.

I was moved by his description of his emotional connection to his wife. Here are a few of his quotes about love that touched me:
"My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing--which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It find its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

"I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thought, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying. "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death." p. 58

The last generation of therapists (and some still today) talk about codependency as if it is a bad thing. We are deeply connected to our partners beyond ourselves. Invisible wires connect us to their hearts and minds. We become attached like a mother and child with similar needs, but in a lateral way.

Another: ""Listen, Otto, if I dont' get back home to my wife and if you should see her again, then tell her that I talked of her daily, hourly. You remember. Secondly, I have loved her more than anyone. Thirdly, the short time I have been married to her outweighs everything even all we have gone through here." p. 76

Imagine that, the magnitude of love being greater than the pain of the holocaust. Think of what love (a.k.a. secure adult attachment) does for us who live normal lives. Indeed, love gives us a secure base from which we can become so much more than the sum of our parts.

And 'The Meaning of Love' on p. 134.

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

"In logotherapy, love is not interpreted as a mere epiphenomenon of sexual drives and instincts in the sense of a so-called sublimation. Love is as primary a phenomenon as sex. Normally, sex is a mode of expression for love. Sex is justified, even sanctified, as soon as, but only as long as, it is a vehicle of love. Thus love is not understood as a mere side-effect of sex; rather, sex is a way of expressing the experience of that ultimate togetherness which is called love."

Enough said. And today is my 11th anniversary...so fortunate to have true love. So, so fortunate.

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Book Review: Becoming Attached, by Robert Karen

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love by Robert Karen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really want to say something that inspires everyone that reads this review go out and buy the book. Particularly parents. But since it is a little academic so if I write a rave review then you might see me as kind of dull and boring. However, I have read a slew of parenting books and this book may have had the most impact on how I parent...more specifically how I understand myself as a parent and caregiver and thus modifying how I parent. Like I said, it does lean a bit on the academic side of therapeutic books...so if you like page turners then you may want to read this in piece meal amongst your thrillers.

The book gives a comprehensive history on the research of attachment. All that Eriksonian stuff you learned in Psych 101 in detail. Fascinating really. The latter chapters in the book adapt attachment research to how we relate to others (children, spouses, lovers) as adults including chapters entitled The Residue of Our Parents, Attachment in Adulthood and Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. The content has impacted the lens through which I implement discipline and connection with my children and spouse. It has also put me at ease with the ambivalent and anxious feelings I experience as a parent. I wish I had read this book before my children were born, but it is never too late. The information is pertinent to anyone who is a parent, a child or who has any meaningful relationships...guess that includes anyone human.

Dr. Karen put some fine diligent research into this book!

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 Have you read a good parenting book lately?

Attachment Styles

Image source.

I've been reading the book Becoming Attached - First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen.  I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:

• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.  I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.  {Secure.}
• I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them.  I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  {Avoidant.}
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.  {Ambivalent.}  

If you have something other than a secure attachment style there is hope.  You can learn to trust and be more at ease in relationships.  Start by reading this and other books about attachment.  And consider seeing a therapist who works from an attachment framework.  We all need secure relationships and forming them is a challenge for many.  

When looking for a therapist identify one with a solid attachment and experiential approach.  Here are some therapy models that can help us improve our capacity to love and attach.  See if you can find a therapist with training in one of the following:

• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) http://www.iceeft.com/
• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) http://www.aedpinstitute.org/

You could also look for a Hold Me Tight workshop in your area.  Ours is coming up September 6!

Book Review: Hold Me Tight

Someone asked me the other day what I do when a couple comes to see me. I told her that with couples I use a research based method of practice called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT has published the book Hold Me Tight, which offers readers a refreshing new way of looking at their love relationships.

I would not recommend that distressed couples rely solely on this book, but it is a great resource to improve any marriage. The following is an excerpt from the description on the inside cover of her book:

"The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection."

The book takes couples through seven conversations to help them become more attuned to their emotional connection with each other. These conversations will help couples to create a secure bond that will continue to grow over time.

Research proves EFT to be significantly more effective than other forms of couple therapy. I love how this book challenges the current culture of extreme individuality and personal independence. I think it takes more strength to rely on someone and to be relied on in return than it does to be independent. And the benefits are far greater! You can read more about EFT here.

Book Review: Raising Your Spirited Child

I have heard great things about this book, but hadn't read it until recently. Mostly because I didn't think my child was "spirited." I was a little relieved by that fact, but I can't deny I relished moments with his "spirited" friends. Well, he turned 4 and things changed. What do you know? According to this book we've got spirit. Lots of it!

Kurcinka measures "spirit" by assessing 9 characteristics. They are: intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood. Part I: Understanding Spirit contains a description of these characteristics and a quiz to assess how spirited your child is by category and collectively. Part II: Working With Spirit takes you through each characteristic to better learn how to address the needs of your child. Part III: Living With Spirit takes you through mealtime, bedtime and other daily activities. Other chapters include Part IV: Socializing with Spirit (playing which children, vacations and holidays) and Part V: Enjoying Spirit.

This was one of the most comforting quotes from the book. It is one of 5 credos the author offers to parents of spirited children at the beginning of the book:

"You did not make your spirited child. You are but one of many influences in your child's

life. Other parent(s), relatives, siblings, teachers, neighbors, friends, life experiences, and the world at large all play a part. You make a big difference but not the only difference."

And I would add to that...they have their own little personality...or rather big personality in a little body.

*Should you be interested in getting a former edition, it looks like the image to the right.

Book Review: Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes

I like parenting books. It just makes parenting a little easier. However, because there is no single formula that works for every child/parent combination I don't recommend that parents read only one book. I recommend they read 3 to 5 and take what they want. Fill your bag with tricks, try them on for size, and pull them out as you need them. Over the next couple months I will be writing reviews for books that I have found most useful. If you have read them please share your comments.

Win the Whining Wars & Other Skirmishes is one of my first recommendations. Not all parents will find this to be all they need, but every parent needs to know how to praise in the way described in this book. You will learn how to praise in a manner that will change behavior. Praise might seem easy and obvious, but there is a skill to it. It is not only a matter of phrasing, but also timing. Within 3 days of using the methods from this book I noticed changes.

I'll share the basic premise. You categorize your child's behaviors into desirable (getting dressed, saying thank you), undesirable (annoying behaviors such as whining, talking back), and intolerable (harmful behaviors such as hitting, riding bike into the street). You praise the desirable, ignore the undesirable, and punish the intolerable.  However, I do disagree to some extent on the ignoring strategy.  There are times when our child is behaving poorly because they desperately need our attention and ignoring them could make them feel insecure.  Learn to know your child and try to look at the emotions driving their behavior.  And when you punish be sure to let them know you love them to pieces even when you don't like their choices.

If you are a parent please take some time to read this book. It will boost their confidence, give your child a better sense of how to please you, and ultimately enhance your relationship with your child.

And always remember the positive to negative interaction ratio in any relationship should be 10:1!

From Gottman: Love Maps Exercise 2

The following is an exercise from Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Exercise 2: Make Your Own Love Maps, p. 54

Use the following form to interview each other as if you were reporters. Take turns as listener and speaker, and write out the answers to these forms. Don't pass judgment on what our spouse tells you or try to give eachother advice. Remember that you are simply on a fact-finding mission. Your goal is to listen and learn about your mate.

The cast of characters in my partner's life

-Friends:

-Potential Friends:

-Rivals, competitors, "enemies"

Recent important events in my partner's life

Upcoming events

(What is my partner looking forward to? Dreading?

My partner's current stresses

My partner's current worries

My partner's hope and aspirations (for self? for others?)

Book Review: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman

I recently re-read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD. Gottman is famous among health professionals for reasearch based on his "love labs." He created a home-style setting in which he could observe couples interacting. He followed these couples for years to learn the characteristics of marriages that last. He claims to be able to predict with 91% accuracy whether couples will be married in 4-6 years. Gottman identified 7 principles common among couples who stay married.

The principles are as follows:
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems (preceded by a segment on 'solvable' vs. 'perpetual' problems)
6. Overcome Gridlock
7. Create Shared Meaning

The book is filled with questionnaires to help readers understand and assess their standing on the principles. The book also includes exercises.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is in the first chapter where Gottman identifies myths about marriage. One common myth is that "avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage." Gottman explains: "Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to 'talk out' their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is necessarily better than the other as long as the style works for both people. Couples can run into trouble if one partner always wants to talk out the conflict while the other just want to watch the playoffs."

I find it helpful to know that finding a mutually agreeable way to handle conflict is what will hold your marriage together...not necessarily having a conflict-free relationship.

Perhaps I'll post a questionnaire and exercise in the coming weeks.