Remembering 9/11 in Washington, D.C. - The Quality of our Relationships Impacts Our Capacity to Heal

Visit 911day.org to pledge
your good deed.

Where were you when you learned about the attack on the World Trade Centers and who did you call first?

I imagine most of us, regardless of how far we were from New York City or Washington, D.C. on September 11, 2001, remember exactly who we called first.  We most likely talked soon with those who were near and dear to us.  I remember feeling so vulnerable that day.  I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah and the first person I remember talking to was my new found love of my life who was living 30 miles away in Provo.  When crisis hits our instinct is to reach out to our attachment figures.  We seek connection.  We seek comfort and safety...which is what a secure attachment figure provides.

Now here I am in living in Washington, D.C.  I've heard friends recount their experience that day.  They walked home from work no matter how many miles.  It must have been an intense experience to be walking down I-395 with thousands of other people.

EFT Trainer, George Faller, LMFT is a recently retired lieutenant of the FDNY.  Having begun his education to become a therapist in 1995, George brought EFT to the emergency responders and his firefighter colleagues after 9/11.  He shares his experience on NBC here: Changed by 9/11, firefighter counsels peers.  Likewise, the EFT community in Colorado has extended support to Denver Police Officers and their partners.  As you can imagine, the article says, "many people in the department (and in the world)..."are suspicious of and tend to avoid situations that employ words such as 'emotion, therapy, love, attachment and bonding.'"  But EFT has been tried and tested and has proved to be the answer to a healthy love relationship, a central component to healing from traumatic life experiences.  

Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love contains a chapter about the power of love to heal traumatic wounds.  Her research has She explains how "the quality of our central relationships affects how we face and heal from trauma, and as everything moves in a circle, trauma has an impact on our relationships with the people we love."

As we learn about negative patterns in our relationships it is important that we understand how traumatic or stressful life circumstances affect our interactions.  If you've experienced traumatic circumstances it is worth learning how your partner can strengthen you and help you to overcome the way it grips you.

If you or someone you love has been impacted I encourage you to seek support.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help.  That will only hold you back.  Find a good therapist.  If you are in a relationship I recommend attending a The Hold Me Tight Workshops (next one is October 18-19) to learn together.  If you are looking for a simple way to observe 9/11 you can simply make a pledge to do a good deed at 911day.org.

How has 9/11 impacted you?  What will you be doing today to remember 9/11?

Hold Me Tight Workshop: Conversations for Connection - October 18-19 & November 9

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I'm again looking forward to a wonderful weekend in October.  Seems far away now, but it always comes fast once the groove of Fall gets going.

On October 18-19 we will be hosting Part I of the Hold Me Tight Program in McLean, VA.  If you don't yet know much about Hold Me Tight read on.  For 25 years Sue Johnson has been researching marriage based on the framework of adult attachment theory.  Through her research she created Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  The results have been powerful in proving it's effectiveness.  EFT is the most researched model of couples therapy.  Sixteen rigorous studies show consistently high positive outcomes in 8-20 sessions.  In 2008, Sue published her first pop culture book called Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  Then she created the curriculum for The Hold Me Tight Program.  

The complete program is a 16-hour course.  It is divided into eight 2-hour sessions, an introductory session and then a session for each conversation in the book.  For each session we teach the theory and practice of the conversation, show a video clip of Sue guiding a couple through the conversation, break for structured couple exercises, and regroup for discussion.

Part I takes couples through the first 4 conversations.  These 4 conversations build upon one another.  As couples learn the material and the follow the guided exercises they sink deeper into connection in the most remarkable way.  Couples can experience a new kind of connection with their partner that can be transformative by just participating in Part I.

Part II covers the final 3 conversations.  Conversations 5 and 6 address critical and at times challenging elements in a love relationship - forgiveness and sex.  Couples have more success with these conversations once they have recognized and begun shifting negative patterns in their relationship.  For this reason we offer these as a separate workshop.  Couples may choose to sign up for both simultaneously or wait to take Part II with the next go around.  They may also choose to process these in couples therapy with an EFT therapist.  In Part II we also cover conversation 7 in which couples create a road map for deliberately maintaining and fostering this new found connection.

More details here and here.

Click to register.

Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I'm going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view. How did you appraise the meaning of the experience differently? How do you think that your child would react if you offered her a view into how you have made sense of the experience through her eyes? p. 72
3. Reflect on times when you have entered low-road states with your children. How have you acted at such times? How have your children responded to you when you were on the low road? Can you recognize the sensation when you are leaving the high road? Knowing your triggers and being able to recognize when you are entering the low road are the fist steps toward changing the way they may be influencing your life and your ways of relating to your children. p. 170

Happy reading and happy parenting!

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Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This really is a must read for every one who lives and breathes. It was interesting to read it as a therapist. I was expecting something more like a self help book, but was intrigued to find it to be a cross between that and a description of a model of therapy (though leans heavily toward the former). I could relate it to my work with couples as often as we work through their struggles we are looking for the "meaning" in their relationship and finding that meaning carries them through their struggles together. It is why couples stay together through so much pain and conflict and gives them the motivation to work through it and stay together.

I was moved by his description of his emotional connection to his wife. Here are a few of his quotes about love that touched me:
"My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing--which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It find its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

"I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thought, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying. "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death." p. 58

The last generation of therapists (and some still today) talk about codependency as if it is a bad thing. We are deeply connected to our partners beyond ourselves. Invisible wires connect us to their hearts and minds. We become attached like a mother and child with similar needs, but in a lateral way.

Another: ""Listen, Otto, if I dont' get back home to my wife and if you should see her again, then tell her that I talked of her daily, hourly. You remember. Secondly, I have loved her more than anyone. Thirdly, the short time I have been married to her outweighs everything even all we have gone through here." p. 76

Imagine that, the magnitude of love being greater than the pain of the holocaust. Think of what love (a.k.a. secure adult attachment) does for us who live normal lives. Indeed, love gives us a secure base from which we can become so much more than the sum of our parts.

And 'The Meaning of Love' on p. 134.

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

"In logotherapy, love is not interpreted as a mere epiphenomenon of sexual drives and instincts in the sense of a so-called sublimation. Love is as primary a phenomenon as sex. Normally, sex is a mode of expression for love. Sex is justified, even sanctified, as soon as, but only as long as, it is a vehicle of love. Thus love is not understood as a mere side-effect of sex; rather, sex is a way of expressing the experience of that ultimate togetherness which is called love."

Enough said. And today is my 11th anniversary...so fortunate to have true love. So, so fortunate.

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Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Watch this and let me know your thoughts....



What did you think?

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

Today's post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 

Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there's a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There's also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won't just turn to you and say "Sweet-heart, I'm so sorry, I'm just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?"

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: "What, we came to a barbeque place and you're ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together." Then going on further to say, "It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq." Another example might be, "Why didn't you call? It's like you don't think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it's a cue there's something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it's probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here's a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy..."

2. Let them know the impact it's having on you. For example, "I'm feeling anxious as you question me." or "the sharp tone hurts my feelings."

3. Remind them you're their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, "I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me."

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren't being attentive. For example, "I'm sorry, I know we're out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn't know til we got here I didn't feel like bbq."

All together it sounds something like this: "Honey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound grumpy. I'm feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I'm sorry I didn't let you know I didn't feel like eating bbq - I wasn't actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you."

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD

Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?

Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sshh...don't tell my husband I've finished this book because I want to go back and review some things before he snatches it away. I keep catching him sneaking a peak. I am grateful to have a husband who wants to read my book about vulnerability. To me it demonstrates courage, love and trust.

Really, this book is outstanding! A quote from the book illustrates what it is all about. "Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be life if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."

Not only has Brene hit the nail on the head when it comes to what stops us from being everything we can be, but she doesn't an excellent job telling you how to do it. I'm going to be reading this one again!

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Definition of Love, Connection and Belonging

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I'll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

  love, connection and belonging

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.


How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?

Book Review: Becoming Attached, by Robert Karen

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love by Robert Karen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really want to say something that inspires everyone that reads this review go out and buy the book. Particularly parents. But since it is a little academic so if I write a rave review then you might see me as kind of dull and boring. However, I have read a slew of parenting books and this book may have had the most impact on how I parent...more specifically how I understand myself as a parent and caregiver and thus modifying how I parent. Like I said, it does lean a bit on the academic side of therapeutic books...so if you like page turners then you may want to read this in piece meal amongst your thrillers.

The book gives a comprehensive history on the research of attachment. All that Eriksonian stuff you learned in Psych 101 in detail. Fascinating really. The latter chapters in the book adapt attachment research to how we relate to others (children, spouses, lovers) as adults including chapters entitled The Residue of Our Parents, Attachment in Adulthood and Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. The content has impacted the lens through which I implement discipline and connection with my children and spouse. It has also put me at ease with the ambivalent and anxious feelings I experience as a parent. I wish I had read this book before my children were born, but it is never too late. The information is pertinent to anyone who is a parent, a child or who has any meaningful relationships...guess that includes anyone human.

Dr. Karen put some fine diligent research into this book!

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 Have you read a good parenting book lately?

Attachment Styles

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I've been reading the book Becoming Attached - First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen.  I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:

• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.  I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.  {Secure.}
• I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them.  I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  {Avoidant.}
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.  {Ambivalent.}  

If you have something other than a secure attachment style there is hope.  You can learn to trust and be more at ease in relationships.  Start by reading this and other books about attachment.  And consider seeing a therapist who works from an attachment framework.  We all need secure relationships and forming them is a challenge for many.  

When looking for a therapist identify one with a solid attachment and experiential approach.  Here are some therapy models that can help us improve our capacity to love and attach.  See if you can find a therapist with training in one of the following:

• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) http://www.iceeft.com/
• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) http://www.aedpinstitute.org/

You could also look for a Hold Me Tight workshop in your area.  Ours is coming up September 6!

More Than Gold

This is a lovely story about Jake Gibb who is representing the USA in beach volley ball. Thanks, Jake, for sharing such precious things with us.  There is no question that the demands that have been placed on this couple would test a relationship. At the same time, what a grand opportunity to strengthen a bond. When we have a secure attachment with our partner intense emotional experiences bind us. If we don't feel like we can reach our partner at such times, we often panic and act in ways that hurt each other. Even then, the repair of the disconnection is also an opportunity to form a secure attachment.  I wish you all the best Jake, Jane & Little Guy Gibb.  May you have all the health and strength you need to have a rich, long life...together.  May you also have all the success you've dreamed of in London!

MORE THAN GOLD from Josh on Vimeo.

As a side note...I went to high school with Jake Gibb. It is inspiring when people from the same modest world I grew up in reach such great heights.

Do you sometimes feel this way?

Sharing our emotions can be like jumping out of an airplane.  It is risky.  The fear of exposing deep emotions...letting people know we are scared, ashamed, afraid of rejection, feeling like a failure, hurting...can be overwhelming.  We don't always know how others will react.  Will they think less of us?  Will they listen?  Will they reassure?  What if they don't?

Just as we can learn how to safely jump out of an airplane, couples, families, and individuals can learn how to safely share emotions.  With practice we can do it with grace.  With experience we gain confidence that the risk is worth the reward.

This video is of Dale Stuart, who is now an EFT therapist.

Pretty amazing!

This is a refreshing approach to addressing bullying:

Fighting Bullying With Babies

A Good Quote

"The brain is like a catcher's mitt waiting for social interaction."

Jim Coan, Ph.D., University of Virginia stated at the EMU Attachment Conference, Spring 2011

I was at the grocery store today with my son and we bought bananas. He wanted one right away so once we got everything in the car, we pulled out a banana. I was sitting in the driver's seat peeling it and I noticed the woman in the parking spot facing me waving her banana at me...once she got my attention she raised her banana as if to make a toast. I toasted back. I might have thought this was a rather random, even odd, exchange, but when considered in the context of this quote it seems entirely normal, even delightful. I personally appreciated the exchange.

A Good Quote

"To feel is to live, but to reject feeling through fear is to reject the life process itself."

Jesse Taft, 1933