Attachment Styles

Image source.

I've been reading the book Becoming Attached - First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen.  I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:

• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.  I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.  {Secure.}
• I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them.  I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  {Avoidant.}
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.  {Ambivalent.}  

If you have something other than a secure attachment style there is hope.  You can learn to trust and be more at ease in relationships.  Start by reading this and other books about attachment.  And consider seeing a therapist who works from an attachment framework.  We all need secure relationships and forming them is a challenge for many.  

When looking for a therapist identify one with a solid attachment and experiential approach.  Here are some therapy models that can help us improve our capacity to love and attach.  See if you can find a therapist with training in one of the following:

• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) http://www.iceeft.com/
• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) http://www.aedpinstitute.org/

You could also look for a Hold Me Tight workshop in your area.  Ours is coming up September 6!