Gratitude: An antidote for Shame

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Considering it is the season of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss gratitude...particularly how gratitude can help us to embrace vulnerability and overcome shame.  If you aren't yet familiar with Brene Brown and her work on using the power of vulnerability you can learn more here and here.

"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection -- to be the person whom we long to be -- we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."  (All quotes in this post are from Daring Greatly.)

Through her research, Brene identified foreboding joy as one of the ways we shield ourselves from vulnerability.  Foreboding joy is when we are in the midst of a joyful situation and our mind goes directly to a worst case scenario.  For example, sometimes when I am on an outing with my husband and children my mind goes to an image of my son getting hit by a car or something equally terrible.  Unconsciously, I may get tense, my anxiety goes up, and I might get short tempered.  Rather than experiencing the joy of the moment, I am suddenly unpleasant to be around.

Brene says, "scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy.  We're afraid that the feeling of joy won't last, that there won't be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.  We've learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster.  And we struggle with the worthiness issue.  Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections?  What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world?  Who are we to be joyful?"

Gratitude is the antidote for foreboding joy.  She goes on, "if the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."  And that we indeed deserve the joy we are experiencing.

Brene learned from talking with people who have been through profound loss or trauma. She shares three lessons.  1.  Joy comes to us in moments--ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.  2. Be grateful for what you have.  Don't shrink away from it because someone else doesn't have it.  Don't apologize for it.  Celebrate it.  Let those around you know how much they mean to you.  3. Don't squander joy.  Yes it may be, at times, scary and uncomfortable, but leaning into joy is how we build resilience and hope.  The joy becomes a part of us - and when bad things (inevitably) happen, we are strengthened.

She clarifies that practicing gratitude is more than just an attitude of gratitude...it is more deliberate, something we do.  Below are some ideas for practicing gratitude this week:

1. Create a gratitude tree.  Draw a large tree on a piece of paper and cut out a bunch of small leaves.  Have your children share things they are grateful for and write it on a leaf.  See if you can fill the tree with leaves.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.  Write down 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.
3. When you feel joy (and vulnerability)...tell whoever you are with about it.
4. Take pictures of things you are grateful for and share it with friends and family.
5. Create a gratitude poster.
6. Create a joy journal with this free printable.  Source.
7. Call someone you are grateful for and tell them.
8. Write a letter to someone who helped you in your youth, whether a parent, teacher, or friend.
9. Find the beauty in this very moment.
10. Thank yourself for being you.

How have you practiced gratitude and how has it impacted your life?