Tragedy

It has taken me some time to process the event at Sandy Hook.  My heart goes out to the families of those who lost a loved one.  My heart also goes out to those children who were so close to this traumatic event.

Strangely, I prevented myself from facing this tragedy until Monday.  I tend to try to block these things out of my mind because I am afraid that I will become anxious and overprotective.  I also worry that my sadness will make me on edge and make me short with my husband and children.  Going numb this weekend must have felt safer to me, even though I didn't realize I was doing it until late Sunday.  I didn't read many of the reports and I didn't even talk to Jeff much about it.

However, going numb makes me tense and withdrawn.  We can't selectively numb emotion so we miss out on joy as well.  I'd rather be sad and whole than fine-ish, but disintegrated.  Additionally, I wanted to mourn with those who are mourning today.  I wanted to be part of a society that supports, gives, loves, and comforts those who are in pain.  Monday I took some time to read the accounts of the shooting and the victims.  I was on the verge of tears all day.

My heart is broken.  I feel powerless.  To me this tragedy is bigger than gun laws, the mental health system, or safety protocol in our schools.  While it is fair to evaluate them, I fear that it won't be enough.  The fear leads to dread when I realize there is so little that anyone could have done to prevent this.

On NPR this morning someone was talking about how mass tragedies cause more than fear, they cause dread.  Dread leads us to view risks greater than the truly are.  This is one of the things I think I was trying to avoid by going numb.  I don't want to be afraid to send my son to school.  I don't want to act in ways that don't make sense.

I want to use my grief for a few things.  I want to take in the joy of having my family healthy and safe today.  I am grateful that I can hold them.  I am grateful their peers and teachers are safe and for how much they must love my boys, too.  Additionally, instead of feeling dread I am trying to focus on accepting that as humans we are vulnerable in so many ways and that sometimes all I can do is say a prayer of gratitude and a plea for comfort and safety.

How has Sandy Hook affected you this week?